dropping the ball

coping with a job not well done

Being a high achiever is not noteworthy in academic circles; in fact, it almost feels like it’s the baseline expected of us. If you aren’t actively filling your free time with “opportunities”, you aren’t showing proper initiative. Free time feels like a trap – like we should be doing anything but relaxing or recharging. Academia loves to tout self-care as an end all be all to burnout and stress, when in reality self-care is essentially just a large, ineffective band aid on the wound of overwork. When we are juggling too much or have too many proverbial “balls” in the air, sometimes self-care is just adding another ball to juggle. “Taking on too much” is a phenomenon graduate students and professionals know too well. So, what happens when we overextend ourselves and aren’t able to perform up to our own or other’s standards?

To me, there is only one obvious answer – something suffers. A project takes the backseat. A paper is stuck in revision mode. Clinical notes aren’t getting done. We don’t have time to study for that upcoming test. It might be easier to cope with subpar performance if it only influences us, but it can be infinitely more difficult when our missed deadlines are obvious to other people. Even worse, it can be painful to feel like those around us are potentially judging our productivity. I personally start to worry about my reputation – what will these people think and say about me when this experience is done?  Have I done irreputable damage to my academic image by doing a less-than stellar job? These thoughts can quickly cause a negative thought spiral that is difficult to snap out of.

This summer between the first and second year of my PhD very obviously showed the kinks in my productivity chain; this was mostly due to my inability to say “no”, and my desire to show that I, too, can handle juggling just as many balls as my peers – no wait, more! I took a summer job which turned out to be a mistake, I kept a volunteer position because I was scared to let it go, and I made promises about my projects that I wasn’t able to keep. To be honest, it wasn’t for lack of time but rather overwhelm with the number of commitments I had. I tend to freeze rather than act when I feel overwhelmed, which is probably the least helpful response, and I have a feeling this is more common than we might think. Stress response is real, and our inability to act can feed into our unhealthy ideas about ourselves.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how to combat this. Do I try to figure out how the hell to manage all these responsibilities I have? Do I continue down the same path of overwhelm and inaction? Do I bite the bullet and step away from some of these projects and positions? Every option felt icky in some way or another.

Ultimately, I decided to step away from a volunteer position I’ve held for the past two years that I enjoyed dearly. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to give the role the time and attention it needed any longer. It was difficult to let go of this role, and to feel like I was stepping down at an awkward time – I hadn’t been fulfilling my role to the fullest extent, and I was embarrassed about that. I’m trying to reframe this for myself as an opportunity for growth as a professional – knowing when to step down before things start to deteriorate is a skill we all should have. Sometimes to learn a skill we have to do it badly a few times.

I’m sharing this because it can be super difficult to admit when we aren’t performing up to the (often highly unrealistic) standards we have for ourselves. It’s hard to say that we are struggling, and even harder to do what we need to do in order to alleviate some of the struggle. I know I felt immense relief when I sent my resignation notice, and my productivity has already benefited from this decision. To me, coping with a job not well done meant making sure I had the tools I needed to do better in the future, and that entailed lightening the load.

If you’ve been looking for a sign to step away from a role, or needed some encouragement to lighten your own load, this is it! You are no less of a researcher, student, scientist, or clinician if you need to do less. Enjoying life should be paramount. Productivity is an added bonus. In a world where the number of CV lines we have can feel like the difference between getting opportunities and not getting them, it can be so hard to let things go. Just remember, in the grand scheme of things, quality will always trump quantity.

A note for future Jessilyn – slow down! Relax. You will get where you want to be in time. Time is the one thing we can’t rush, and the thing we can’t get back. Enjoy the PhD process as much as possible. Remember that you are doing research you think is crucial for the healthy development of humanity. And, maybe don’t take that summer job.